Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
