We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
