She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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