apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
