i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
