I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
