i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
