I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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