So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
