i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
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I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
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So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.