you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.