Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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