Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
