I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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