Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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