So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She's the barista slut.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize