Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize