I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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