i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
