Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
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The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
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Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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