My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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