Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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