I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
