My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
