Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
