I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
