I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
