Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
