Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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