He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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