my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
