I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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