and you said cock pushups were impossible
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
