Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
