Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
