Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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