don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
