just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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