Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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