I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
