dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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