I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
