get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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