I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
