Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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