God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
