Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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