just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
