tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You ate ashes out of my bong
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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