Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
