please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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