This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Floor bacon is actually really good
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
