from now on my penis is your penis
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
