If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
