I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
