and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
you're hired as official boob wrangler
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
