I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
two words: eviction party
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
