Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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