I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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