I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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