walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
