i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I'm really busy with my period
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