apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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